Moonlighting

Since I'm working full time, I have limited hours to work on my comics.

I used to think it's holding me back, and if I could make comics full time - If I just had more time to invest in it - I'll manage to do so much more. I have so many ideas, and there's simply not enough time to make something of all of them.

The thing is, though, that I think that I see it like I do regret. What it Means is that it's easy to feel it once it's no longer relevant and I can bask in the potential of what could have been. But if I'm honest with myself, all my regrets (ok, 90% of them) are things that I would still do again the exact. same. way. I'd like to think I would have done things differently, that I could be someone else, but I can't and I'm not. It's a nice lie I tell myself that (although regret is not a positive feeling) makes me feel better.

So, if going back to comics creation, I actually had two times where I was out of job, and had all the time in the world to just sit and create - just as I've always wanted. Sure, I can make excuses and say it was a stressful time, and I was more concerned about finding a job, that I couldn't invest in creation. Not to cheapen the stress I felt, but this is not what kept me from creating.

I think limits actually make me more creative.

Having a full day to work on my own stuff have the opposite effect on me. I don't feel like now I have more time to work and create, I just feel I have more time. It's like getting to do a paper for school and have 2 months to finish it. I would never use the entire 2 months to write it, just the last week - stressed and confused how the 2 months that sounded like so much time just flew by.

It might sound like laziness - and I guess it's part of it - but when you think about it, to be disciplined enough to finish work at 6 pm and then started working on my own stuff for another 4-5 hours (sometimes more) is the opposite of laziness. The fact that I have so little time to work makes this time so much precious and I don't think "when to start" and "if to start" - I just do.

I feel like for me, this is working best. It makes me accomplish a lot!

And sometimes, when I don't finish what I wanted, and I think that I should quit work and do comics full time, I allow myself to bask in the potential of "if I only had more time I would make so much more", and it makes me feel better.